50 Types of "Computerware"

. . . Silly, cute, and standard terms for types of hardware and software. My one rule for collecting terms for this list is that the term must end -ware.

1. abandonware. another name for orphanware.

2. adware. 1) any software that includes, as part of its function, displays of advertising. For example, some freeware includes ads, with the option of upgrading to a paid version in order to rid yourself of the ads. In such packages the ads typically update themselves via automatic download. 2) any program that secretly downloads, installs, and displays advertising on your computer. Compare annoyware, guiltware, nagware.

3. ageware. video game originally developed for an early game console but which has been converted for play on a contemporary game console. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.)

4. annoyware. any shareware that pops up a lot with ads or requests for payment.

5. betaware. version of a software package that is nearly ready for general release and is currently undergoing one final round of testing and debugging, called "beta testing." Also called a beta version. (During this phase of development, software companies often invite members of the general public to use the software free and to report bugs which are then fixed by the designers before final release; such users are called "beta testers.")

6. bloatware. general term for any software that uses up an enormous amount of diskspace and memory, far out of proportion with its functionality.

7. brochureware. any vaporware that is accompanied by aggressive marketing including brochures.

8. cardware. any type of freeware for which the designer requests that the user only need send a him/her postcard as payment, sometimes with a request for a certain type of postcard. Also called postcardware. Compare mailware.

9. careware. 1) charityware. 2) freeware for which the designer requests that the user do a "good deed" as payment.

10. CDware. 1) promotional software given away free on a compact disk, such as AOL software. 2) freeware for which the designer requests that if the user likes it, s/he sends the designer a CD.

11. censorware. software designed to block certain websites from being downloaded.

12. charityware. shareware that requests a donation to a charity for use of the software. Also called careware, char-ware, donateware.

13. crimeware. general term for any malware that is designed to extort money or other liquid assets from computer users.

14. crippleware. general term for any software that has been deliberately disabled by the manufacturer or distributor by the removal of a major component, so as to encourage users to purchase the full version.

15. crudware. virtually useless software; a general term for most of the freeware circulated by hackers.

16. demo-ware. simplified version of a software product, missing one or more of the main features, intended to allow prospective purchasers a chance to "try out" the program before buying it. Also called liteware, crippleware.

17. donationware. 1) software given away ostensibly for free, but including a request from the designer for a freewill donation. Also called donateware. 2) charityware.

18. firmware. software embedded in a hardware device. Modems, for example, contain firmware, as do many modern cars, phones, television sets, etc.

19. freeware. software given away free. There are many types, including shareware. (Term was trademarked by author and programmer Andrew Fluegelman.)

20. fritterware. software with capabilities that serve no useful purpose, and that usually manage to get users to waste huge amounts of time using it with no noticeable gain.

21. guiltware. general term for any freeware that includes text giving a long sob story about how horrible the user is if s/he does not send the designer some money. Compare adware.

22. hardware. 1) general term for durable goods. 2) general term for building supplies and fixtures. 3) general term for computer machinery and parts; the opposite of software.

23. liteware. another term for demo-ware.

24. liveware. 1) human beings, specifically the ones using computers. 2) another term for wetware: the human brain.

25. mailware. a type of freeware for which the designer requests the user to mail him/her a letter. Compare cardware.

26. malware (Latin: mal = bad). any software that contains malicious programming, such as stealthware, or a computer virus. Also called slimewear.

27. meatware. another word for wetware: the human brain

28. nagware. 1) adware. 2) annoyware. 3) any software that opens with a popup asking you to purchase the software; you have to click through this screen to use the program.

29. oppressionware. software, hardware, or mechanisms in an operating system, used to oppress a co-user, such as restricting programs, capabilities, and features. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.)

30. orphanware. any software that has been discontinued and is no longer available for commercial purchase; either the original designers cannot be located or the company has gone out of business. Users of orphanware are thus unable to get help or support for the product. Also called abandonware.

31. payware. software that must be paid for. Most software is payware. The opposite is freeware or shareware.

32. postcardware. another name for cardware.

33. psychedelicware. software designed only for making pretty pictures, often in a kaleidoscope fashion. Also called a "display hack."

34. registerware. software that requires the user to register, usually for free, in order to use the software. Registration is usually via internet and usually includes personal information.

35. requestware. software in which the designers request users to do something voluntarily as "payment" for the software. Examples include charityware and postcardware.

36. rogue adware. a software product that claims to be an anti-adware fix, but is actually spyware.

37. rogue spyware. a software product that claims to be an anti-spyware fix, but is actually spyware. Some rogue spyware actually attacks your computer's other protections.

38. scumware. any software that intrudes upon the user, or the user's computer, by stealth, in order to further the aims of the software company.

39. scuttleware. general term for any software, including freeware or shareware, that has a time limit built in and self destructs or ceases to function after the time limit has been reached. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.) Also called trialware.

40. shareware. 1. any software that is given away free, but the user has to pay a fee to get support or to get all the features. 2. any free software for which the user is expected to pay a fee after they have decided to keep it; otherwise it will expire. Also called trialware. 3. any commercial software that can be downloaded from the internet; most also require payment via the company's website before the software can be used.

41. sisterware. software, usually freeware, in which the designer requests that you send him "photos or lingerie of your lovely sister!" (sic)

42. shelfware. 1. software that ends up on the shelf; that is, it is never used. 2. software that is developed but never released; it is "shelved" instead.

43. slimewear. another term for malware.

44. software. computer instructions; information directing the operation of a computer. Software packages are written in many different computer languages and are designed for doing many different tasks, from simple typing to designing magazine layouts, cataloging collections, paying bills, tracking sales, operating industrial robots, etc. (In the early days of computers, programming was built into the machine and could not be changed. If you wanted a computer to play chess, you built one to play chess. If you wanted one to do calculus, you built another one to do calculus. It was a breakthrough when software was invented, allowing one computer to be able to do more than one task.)

45. spamware. software used for sending out spam. (Spam is an internet term for unwanted advertisements, usually found in email form, that are sent all over the internet by unscrupulous persons. The term reportedly comes from a Monty Python sketch in which customers at an eatery are unable to order anything that doesn't have Spam in it.)

46. spyware. software that secretly installs files on the user's computer, or secretly collects data on the user, such as financial info or websurfing history, and secretly sends it to the manufacturer or a third party when the user connects to the internet. (This activity is called "covert monitoring.")

47. trialware. software that has a limit on time or number of uses, and will cease to run properly after the limit expires. Trialware often gives you the option to purchase it after it expires. Also called scuttleware. See also shareware.

48. vampireware. general term for any project capable of sucking the lifeblood out of anyone unfortunate enough to be assigned to it; a project which never actually sees the light of day but nonetheless refuses to die. Not necessarily related to computers. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.)

49. vaporware. software that is announced as "coming soon" but is never released; that is, it "vaporizes." In many cases vaporware is not even developed; it is announced merely to generate interest in the company or some other product. Also spelled vapourware. See also brochureware.

50. wetware. humorous term for the human brain. Also called liveware, meatware.

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30 Essential New Words

. . . Terms from the used-book business, terms for stupid customers and bad drivers and other everyday annoyances. Those coined by me are marked bdg.


1. book climbing. scouting for books in a location where the amount of refuse, junk, rubble, discarded personal effects, furniture, etc, must be climbed over to get to the books. Book climbing is always risky but especially so in a place where the people in charge don't want to let you climb. bdg (Other bookdealers call this book crawling, digging, or excavation.)

2. cactet. a really bad band. (cacaphony + quartet.) bdg

3. citiot. urban idiot; a person of city origin who comes to the country on vacation and treats the place like his own personal garbage dump. (coined by Crosshair, a fellow online wordgame player, who said the term is about 25 years old.)

4. combateer. bad driver of any ridiculously large vehicle (SUV, pickup, van); such vehicles not only impart a false sense of security to the driver but they impede the visibility of all other drivers. Term based on the fact that Hummers, which are perhaps the most ridiculously large vehicle of all, were designed for use in combat zones. bdg (Click here to see more New Terms for Bad Drivers )

5. crebbit. opposite of debit. bdg

6. cussism. my uncle Fred's religion. bgd

7. custoner. stupid customer. (customer + stoner) bdg 2009

8. derogen. derogatory racial or ethnic term, such as abo, cracker, wetback. There seem to be a million of these terms yet no one has invented a simple word for them. (pronounced der-OGG-en) bdg 1982

9. dickularian. genteel-sounding epithet (or adjective) for a creep. bdg

10. elbow driver. a species of foffer (see below) who drives with one hand at the top of the wheel and the other hand doing something useless. So called because they often end up trying to steer with their elbow, and because they often have their other elbow hanging out the window where it can do no good. bdg 2008

11. emulationism. trade name or folk term for something that sounds precious but is only a cheap imitation, such as German silver (an alloy like pewter) or Alaska sable (skunk fur). bdg 2008. Click here to read my collection of emulationisms.

12. epeople. people who used the internet a lot.

13. fale (n. and adj.). both male and female.

14. flumlum. 1. nonsense. 2. doodad; thingamabob.

15. foff. 1. to do things while driving that you shouldn't do while driving. 2. to drive without proper hand placement on the steering wheel. bdg

16. foffer. 1. one who drives while trying to do something they shouldn't be doing while they drive, such as: using a cell phone; peeling an orange; putting on mascara. 2. one who drives without good hand placement on the steering wheel, such as: only one hand, at the bottom; only one hand, at the top; both hands at the top. bdg

17. foffle. to lose control of the vehicle because you were foffing. bdg

18. hexpo. witch convention.

19. igluet. 1. a small pile of snow. 2. a small statue made of snow. 3. a small igloo. bdg

20. jellot. a zealot who is really wishy washy. bdg 2007

21. moudness. mysterious quality a person has that scares other people away. bdg Jul 2008

22. munro. name invented and placed on a list or in a reference in order to use as test when trying to track down a copyright violator. bdg

23. plorf. the uncanny ability to see perfectly good words that aren't real words in word games. bdg

24. proctomorph. polite-seeming epithet for an asshole. bdg 1970s

25. roft. the last part of a cold / flu / the crud. One who is suffering in the last part of such a condition is rofting; they are a rofter. bdg 2008

26. sgwipe. carcass of a dead animal run over in the road. bdg 1978 (Note: I coined this word years before I ever heard the now common term "road kill," and besides, English needs a word that begins sgw--.)

27. thip. to set something in motion by curling a finger behind your thumb and then releasing the finger with great speed. (We had this word in my family since I was a small child; I don't know where it came from.)

28. thresto. general term for any object that tends to snag on everything. For example, a long coat can be a thresto ("that book must have been knocked over by a thresto") or eczema can cause threstos ("my finger has a thresto on it again"). The adjective is threstic. bdg 2008

29. ueai. the sinking feeling you get when playing a word game and there are way too many vowels to deal with. (pronounced OO-ee-aye) bdg July 2008

30. ultracrepidarian. a literate moron; one who has books on display in their house, just for looks, and never reads. (coined by Babble Rabble, a fellow online wordgame player, Jan 2009.)

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