92 Silly eBay Handles

. . . Truly, the task of choosing an online name presents some computer users with too many possibilities. These names have been collected over many years of eBay surfing. This list is not an endorsement of eBay or of anyone on eBay. I just think they're funny names.


Can't Think of a Name
1. blankplastickeyrings
2. computer*says*no
3. donotchangeuserid
4. fed_up_with_chosing_an_id
5. i_have_a_really_long_nickname
6. knotminame
7. namewithoutnumbers
8. needtoner
9. no-one-in-particular
10. notacleverusername
11. soundslikethis
12. userkeptprivate
13. usethisnameplease

Horrid Puns
14. brideofgoopenstein
15. gnomeplacelikehome
16. oddsandendtiques
17. perryphernalia
18. refried.jeans
19. robs-your-uncle
20. ultimatoauctions
21. youth_in_asia

Addicted to Shopping
22. allthetimeonline
23. deepinhock
24. dontoverbiditsmine
25. ebaayismylife
26. emptyshoppingbag
27. fatauctionfreaks
28. gonnagobroke
29. idontneedsthis
30. iwantcandy2
31. iwantyouretrash
32. missjunkaholic
33. shopaholic-mom
34. sir_snipes_alot
35. spoiling_my_children
36. theguywhopaystoomuchjusttowin
37. 30pairsofflipflopsandcounting

Silly Rhymes
38. blingblingkingd
39. cleanbeanqueen
40. funky-retro-monkey
41. mamamiaitsmaria
42. mr_spoon_on_the_moon
43. mydelectable-collectables
44. oohaahpinkguitar
45. slurpeeherpee
46. wizardofgizzard

I Love My Pet
47. frodothecyberdog
48. fussygerbil
49. ineedadog
50. muffythebarkingdog
51. thingsthatsqueak
52. 3blueyeddashounds

Cheeky Devil
53. dead.peoples.stuff
54. givemechocolate
55. hellcatlouise
56. im_going_to_live_forever
57. not2old2boogie
58. queenofmostthings
59. ratherbeonthelake!
60. shutupdonnie
61. someonesmellsfunky
62. thebutlerdidit!
63. wopbopaloobopalopbamboom

My Stuff is the Best
64. auctions-under-two-dollars
65. buy-it-now-it-bargain-time!
66. got2bid2buy
67. oooh!babyiamworthit!

Doctor Who and Monty Python Fans
68. artur2sheds
69. boxtardis
70. dalek10
71. davros61
72. doctor221
73. the-black-knigget
74. whopunk

Buyer is Insane
75. brain.e.ak
76. braineatingmaniac
77. cross-out-the-eyes
78. das_monster_unter_deinem_bett (German: the monster under your bed)
79. freakshowof1
80. geniessss
81. jackseviltwin-edtheripper
82. kwaazycat
83. madwhacker
84. mistress_murder
85. newratik_of_the_banana_republic
86. psycho666insane
87. thedonnerparty

Amusing Seller Names on Amazon
88. burnt_biscuit_books
89. myfavoriatebook
90. qualitybooks_fastshipping_satisfactiongurantee
91. student_who_doesnt_want_these_books_anymore
92. weresorrybutanothercustomerisalreadyusingyournickname

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Give A Man A Fish

. . . You have probably heard it said, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime." But have you heard these?

1. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

2. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the net and he won't bother you for weeks.

3. Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day. Give a man religion and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

4. Give a man a fish, then run like hell.

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58 Wrong Ways to Spell My Name

List #126

. . . I can understand complete strangers misspelling my name but some of these came from people who have known me for years.

40 Misspellings of "Gwen"

1. Bwen

2. Dwen

3. Gen

4. Gern

5. Geun

6. Gewn

7. Glenn

8. Gowen

9. Gren

10. Grwen

11. Guen

12. Guven

13. Gwan

14. Gweb

15. Gwee

16. Gweeb

17. Gween

18. Gwem

19. Gwemn

20. Gwench

21. Gwenn

22. Gweyn

23. Gwgen

24. Gwin

25. Gwn

26. Gwuen

27. Gwyn

28. Gwynn

29. Gwyyn

30. Gyen

31. Gyny

32. Gywn

33. Jwen

34. Quen

35. Quinn

36. Qwun

37. Qwus

38. Swen

39. Wem

40. Wgen

18 Misspellings of "Gwyneth"

. . . Yes, my full name is Gwyneth. I was named after a character in a Welsh book that my mom's penpal was reading some years before I was born. Seriously, though, no one ever calls my Gwyneth except telemarketers and people in gubmint jobs.

1. Gewnneth

2. Geyneth

3. Gweenyt

4. Gwemith

5. Gwendlyn

6. Gwendolyn

7. Gweneth

8. Gwenith

9. Gwennith

10. Gwenth

11. Gwenyth

12. Gwneth

13. Gwyenth

14. Gwynent

15. Gwynyth

16. Gwyynth

17. Gywnith

18. Hwyneth

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11 Reasons Why People Over 40 Should Be Dead

. . . Author unknown. Email lore collected six years ago. I have modified it slightly. (It's folklore. That's what you do.)


According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 1970s or earlier probably shouldn't have survived. Here's why:

1. Our baby cribs were covered with lead-based paint.

2. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles.

3. We rode our bikes without helmets.

4. Sometimes we hitchhiked.

5. We rode in cars with no child safety seats and no air bags. Sometimes, as a special treat, we rode in the back of an open pickup.

6. We drank water from a garden hose.

7. We drank soda pop with sugar in it.

8. We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle.

9. We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. We had no cell phones. Imagine that!

10. We did not have Nintendo, Playstation, or X-Box; no 2,000 channels on cable, no home movies on DVD, no surround sound, no personal computers, no internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them.

11. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. Remember accidents?

People under 40 are wimps!

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44 Rude Names for Hummers

. . . collected from friends, enemies, and various sources.

According to Keith Bradsher, author of High and Mighty: SUVs: The World's Most Dangerous Vehicles and How They Got That Way, one in every six new vehicles sold in the US in 2002 was a Sport Utility Vehicle.

Of course there are rude names for all sorts of cars, but the Humvee, being the biggest, ugliest, most gas-guzzling SUV on the road, is of necessity singled out for special attention. (Please contact me if I have left any really funny, really rude names off this list, thanks!)

The Droll Names

1. bummer
2. dummer
3. S-U-K
4. F-U-Vehicle

The Abomination

5. two-space hog
6. three-ton brick
7. pavement-hogging beast
8. big mofo
9. monstrosity
10. land yacht
11. heavyweight
12. gargantuan
13. behemoth
14. rolling horror
15. biggest choad on the road

The Assault Vehicle

16. urban tank
17. plastic tank
18. death machine

The Ego Machine

19. dick mobile
20. small-penis mobile
21. white trash rig

The Piece of Sh*t

22. sh*tbox
23. slab of sh*t
24. five-ton rolling brick of sh*t
25. giant steaming pile of sh*t
26. turdmobile

The Polluter

27. smog machine
28. planet killer
29. earth f*cker
30. earthraper
31. planet raper
32. pollute-o-car
33. chariot of greed
34. crime against nature
35. ultimate gas guzzler
36. gas-guzzling carbon-emitting oil-dragging monstrosity

The Uglymobile

37. ugly brick
38. ugly rubbish skip
49. ugly truck
40. gaudy heap of crap
41. unsightly hunk of sh*t
42. overrated Tonka toy
43. chrome-fanged monster
44. parody of a car

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92 Feminine and Masculine Word Pairs

. . . I have collected hundreds of these word pairs but only 92 are listed below.

The separation and exclusion of women by men has led to the creation of countless words which are defined (by men) as the feminine version of some masculine job. Thus was born this list.

Without writing a full-on essay about the truly pointless and offensive phenomenon of sexism and all its social implications, I'll just say that, while I do not accept the notion that either sex should be treated as inferior to the other, I am fascinated by some of the very ridiculous gender-specific words that have been invented to perpetuate this notion. Of particular interest are the examples in which the feminine form carries a negative or lower-class connotation as compared to the masculine form (for example: governess / governor) and the examples in which a word has been given an unnecessary suffix or has been twisted into a nearly unpronounceable shape in order to change its gender (for example: chauffeurette / chauffeur).

For this list, I have listed the feminine version of each word first, followed by its masculine equivalent, separated by a slash. If there are multiple forms of one gender, they are listed together, separated by a comma. If there is a commonly accepted gender-inclusive or gender-neutral term, it is listed last, after a triple slash. Comments and definitions follow (in parentheses). Terms that are slang or recently coined are marked with an asterisk (*).


Feminine term / Masculine term /// neutral or inclusive term

1. abbess / abba, abbas, abbot

2. accoucheuse / accocheur /// midwife

3. alumna / alumnus /// alum

4. amicular* / avuncular

5. ancestress / ancestor

6. anglerette / angler /// fisher

7. authoress / author /// author

8. aviatrix, aviatress / aviator

9. bachelorette / bachelor /// single

10. beach bunny / beach bum

11. best woman / best man (see also bridesmaid, bride's attendant)

12. birth / beget

13. bitchma* / dogma

14. bitchmatic* / dogmatic

15. bride / bridegroom, groom

16. bridesmaid, maid of honor, matron of honor / best man, groomsman (see also best woman, bride's attendant)

17. bride's attendant / groom's attendant

18. cateress / caterer

19. centaurette / centaur /// rider (see also equestrienne)

20. chauffeurette, chauffeuse / chauffeur

21. coed / student /// student

22. coiffeuse / coiffeur

23. comedienne / comedian

24. courtesan / courtier

25. creatrix / creator

26. cujette* / cujine* (US slang, from Italian: homegirl / homeboy)

27. czaritsa, czarina / czar

28. danseuse / danseur

29. divorcée / divorcé

30. doctoress / doctor /// doctor

31. doyenne / doyen

32. dudette* / dude

33. dweebette* / dweeb

34. editrix / editor

35. eldress / elder

36. electress / elector

37. emerita / emeritus

38. equestrienne, equestriette / equestrian /// rider (see also centaurette)

39. executrix / executor

40. farmerette / farmer /// farmer

41. femcee* / emcee

42. feminization / guy-ization*

43. fiancée / fiancé

44. gal, doll, guyette* / guy

45. geekess* / geek

46. giantess / giant

47. governess / governor

48. grumpette* / grump

49. guardess / guard

50. gynocentric* / androcentric*

51. heroine, shero*, hera* / hero /// protagonist

52. herstory* / history

53. homegirl, homette* / homeboy, homey

54. housewife / househusband*

55. inheritrix, inheritress / inheritor

56. institutrix / institutor

57. Latina / Latino

58. lumberjill / lumberjack

59. maestra / maestro

60. maid, maidservant / servant, manservant

61. majorette / major

62. manageress / manager

63. matrimony / patrimony

64. matron, patroness / patron

65. mayoress / mayor /// mayor

66. mediatrix, mediatress / mediator

67. misandrist / misogynist

68. mistress / master

69. murderess / murderer

70. Negress / Negro

71. neif / serf

72. ogress / ogre

73. procuress / procurer

74. paintress / painter /// painter

75. prima ballerina / premier danseur

76. prioress / prior

77. protectress, protectrice / protector

78. protégée / protégé

79. seamstress / seamster, tailor

80. servitress / servitor

81. scripteuse / scriptwriter

82. shrewdom / dronedom* (coined by author Mary Daly)

83. starlet / star /// star

84. stewardess / steward /// flight attendant

85. temptress / temptor

86. treasuress / treasurer

87. tsaritsa, tsarina / tsar

88. usherette / usher

89. waitress / waiter /// waitperson, waitron, server

90. wifey, hussy / hubby

91. wimpette* / wimp

92. yankette / yankee /// yank

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Eye Halve a Spell Chequer

. . . Collected some years ago as a specimen of "email lore." As one who supports English spelling reform, and believes that rigid adherence to the notion of "correct" spelling is somewhat silly at times, I do acknowledge the difficulties that can accompany one who ignores intelligent spelling conventions.


Eye halve a spell chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it’s weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

-- Sauce unknown

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5 Reasons Against Votes for Men

. . . I post below a short piece of satire written by Alice Duer Miller (1874-1942) during the woman suffrage movement. One of the principle arguments against allowing women to vote was that the "woman’s sphere" was and should be domestic: that women were "created" to be lovely things, helpful to men, to guide humanity to higher morals, and so on, all of which would be "lost" if they were to get mixed up in the "dirty" world of politics. Miller wrote this in 1915, five years before American women earned the right to vote. Repeat, this is satire.

Why We Oppose Votes For Men

1. Because a man's place is in the army.

2. Because no really manly man wants to settle any question otherwise than by fighting about it.

3. Because if men should adopt peaceable methods, women will no longer look up to them.

4. Because men will lose their charm if they step out of their natural sphere and interest themselves in other matters than feats of arms, uniforms and drums.

5. Because men are too emotional to vote. Their conduct at baseball games and political conventions show this, while their innate tendency to appeal to force renders them particularly unfit for the task of government.

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20 New Quotes about Books (and other topics) from Used Bookdealers

. . . Collected here and there over the past few years.

A curse for underhanded bookdealers:
1. "Let them have a copious variety of urgent, but fraudulent, book orders and increasingly tempting Nigerian schemes richly laden with ornate subordinate clauses, Victorian circumlocutions of cloying sweetness, and semi-plausible misspellings. Furthermore, let their own spellchecker be seeded with random malapropisms." David Anderson

2. "People who haggle over a five dollar book were never going to buy anything anyway." Brian Cassidy, 2008

3. "Creamsicle. My only reason for living as a child. Well, that and the library." Michelle Palmer, 2003

4. "All the scrapbook stores seem to have dogs, and all the bookstores seem to have cats." bookdealer and scrapbooker Marilyn Brownjohn

5. "I am a firm believer that a computer needs a Microsoft operating system the way a dog needs bricks tied to its head." Ian J. Kahn

6. "I don't know why they call it Victoria's secret. Everybody already knows about all that stuff." Victoria, 8-year old granddaughter of bookdealer Jim Hart

7. "Sometimes being born without the shopping gene means I feel like a foreigner in my own economy." Charmaine Taylor, 2003

8. "My acquaintances who are very rich insist that the less advantaged dealers exist to be exploited. The only people who truly count, whose needs and desires should be considered, are the members of the investor class. They all chuckle when I point out they are scum." unnamed bookdealer quoted by Renee Magriel Roberts

9. "I believe most booksellers are, by nature, hoarders." Rock Toews

10. "Incipient fascism is still thought to be curable. When presented with a sufferer of the common bureaucratic malady called cranio-rectal inversion, immediate prophylaxis is indicated." Andris Danielsons

11. "The difference between liberals and right-wing nuts is that right-wing nuts believe that *They* are better than *We and You*, whereas liberals believe that *We and You and They* should be treated equally under the law." Jessie Munro

12. "Specializing in Non-Moveable Type books. Some haven't moved in 17 years." Joe Oprisch

13. "The only effective protection from lies is the developement of critical thinking. Keeping kids in a kind of intellectual padded cell, fed only what their parents believe is true, is a guarantee that they will grow up gullible." Marc de Piolenc, in reply to a news story on parents stealing books from school libraries 'to protect them from lies'

14. "I'm not anti-religion -- I'm anti people who claim religion and practice cruelty." Shirley Bryant

15. "[Vice President Dick] Cheney is a white cat and an eye patch away from being a Bond Villain." Joyce Godsey, 2008

16. "Pricing [antiquarian and collectible books] is an acquired skill, an art, as long-time antiquarian specialists can attest. The presence or lack of a single mark on a single page can triple the price. No algorithm will ever take that into account." -- anonymous, quoted by Chris Hartmann, 2003

17. "Some of those books are too old to have first editions." comment by customer to bookdealer Doreen Steinbeck

18. "People with white carpeting never have good books. I think it's because they care more about appearances than brains." Jessie Munro, only half sarcastically, on how to judge the book potential at an estate sale by the decor in the front room, 2007

19. "These days if I find a mistake that could have been corrected by an editor, I fling the book across the room with great force. Who am I kidding? I stopped reading modern books when I ran out of spackle back in '02." Joyce Godsey, 2008

20. "Learn something new every day, if I'm not careful." Christopher Crockett

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9 Stupid Customer Stories

. . . Sent in by your cheerful, anonymous used-book dealers from around the world.


1. Customer ordered via Amazon. Spelled his own last name two different ways. Gave the wrong city in his address. Gave the wrong phone number. Title of book ordered: The Story of Stupidity.

2. I was in a friend's bookshop one day when a customer came in and asked for a specific title, which was available, brand new, for £3 or some such. The customer exuded great delight and said he had been looking for that book for years, but that he would buy it next time round.

3. From the chief of sales at a music publishing company: "I had a customer once who wanted some flute parts, but wasn't sure to what. So she suggested that I read off our entire catalog one at a time for her to then decide if she wanted that title or not. I was flabbergasted and responded that we had over 10,000 titles."

4. Customer wrote to say, "So far I have not received the book. I guess it is still within 14 day window. But it ranks as one of the slower shipments from an Amazon bookseller. I bought a book last Thursday night that was shipped on Friday. I got the book on Tuesday from Florida." Oh, by the way, the book he ordered was Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life. I hope it helps.

5. Customer ordered a book, received it, returned it and said it was "the wrong book." This customer had all the following initials after his name, which he put on his order form: M.S., Ph.D., M.P.H., M.A., M.S.B.S. The book he ordered by mistake: Scientific Blunders: A Brief History of How Wrong Scientists Can Sometimes Be.

6. Customer in India, ordered the book to be sent from the US by Economy Rate Shipping (via the slow boat, known to take from 1 to 3 months or longer). After seven days, he emailed anxiously: "I ordered my book on 9/7. When is my book due to arrive?????????" Title ordered: Behavior Modification: What It Is and How to Do It. Think he needs that book?

7. Dealer joked: "We are thinking about putting in a link to Literacy Volunteers for those people who seem to be unable to read our data entries. The latest example is 'a 1/2" x 2" light brown stain on the front free endpaper.' The question is, 'How large is the stain?'"

8. I had a field guide to butterflies returned because the customer complained the pictures were too small. Only problem, all the butterflies were pictured life-size.

9. Customer on Amazon, left 2 out of 5 feedback for the dealer, saying, "My order was for a hard cover I received a soft cover." The dealer replied: "You may still return an item for any reason to [address deleted]. This buyer did neither, and wants both the book and the refund. It is somewhat entertaining, as the book's subject is 'forgiveness.'"

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30 Terms for Packing Peanuts

. . . Ghost poop is the term I grew up on. Here's a whole bunch more.

1. anti-static packing peanuts

2. biodegradable peanuts

3. bio-peanuts

4. cellulose packing peanuts

5. cornstarch peanuts, cornstarch packing peanuts (made of biodegradable material, safe for pets to eat)

6. eco-fill

7. elephant poo

8. fill, filler

9. foam cushioning

10. foam peanuts

11. ghost poop, ghost poo

12. ghost turds

13. loose fill, loosefill

14. nerdlies, styrofoam nerdlies

15. packing peanuts, packaging peanuts

16. peanuts

17. penauts (sic)

18. plastic loosefill

19. polystyrene-based packing peanuts

20. polystyrene filler

21. popcorn, polystyrene popcorn

22. Puffy Stuff (brand name)

23. shipping peanuts

24. starch-based peanuts, starch-based foam peanuts

25. starch packing peanuts

26. styro snow (term for broken bits that fly around the room)

27. styro-demons (so named due to their propensity of sticking to everything)

28. styrofoam filler

29. styrofoam popcorn

30. void fill

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50 Types of "Computerware"

. . . Silly, cute, and standard terms for types of hardware and software. My one rule for collecting terms for this list is that the term must end -ware.

1. abandonware. another name for orphanware.

2. adware. 1) any software that includes, as part of its function, displays of advertising. For example, some freeware includes ads, with the option of upgrading to a paid version in order to rid yourself of the ads. In such packages the ads typically update themselves via automatic download. 2) any program that secretly downloads, installs, and displays advertising on your computer. Compare annoyware, guiltware, nagware.

3. ageware. video game originally developed for an early game console but which has been converted for play on a contemporary game console. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.)

4. annoyware. any shareware that pops up a lot with ads or requests for payment.

5. betaware. version of a software package that is nearly ready for general release and is currently undergoing one final round of testing and debugging, called "beta testing." Also called a beta version. (During this phase of development, software companies often invite members of the general public to use the software free and to report bugs which are then fixed by the designers before final release; such users are called "beta testers.")

6. bloatware. general term for any software that uses up an enormous amount of diskspace and memory, far out of proportion with its functionality.

7. brochureware. any vaporware that is accompanied by aggressive marketing including brochures.

8. cardware. any type of freeware for which the designer requests that the user only need send a him/her postcard as payment, sometimes with a request for a certain type of postcard. Also called postcardware. Compare mailware.

9. careware. 1) charityware. 2) freeware for which the designer requests that the user do a "good deed" as payment.

10. CDware. 1) promotional software given away free on a compact disk, such as AOL software. 2) freeware for which the designer requests that if the user likes it, s/he sends the designer a CD.

11. censorware. software designed to block certain websites from being downloaded.

12. charityware. shareware that requests a donation to a charity for use of the software. Also called careware, char-ware, donateware.

13. crimeware. general term for any malware that is designed to extort money or other liquid assets from computer users.

14. crippleware. general term for any software that has been deliberately disabled by the manufacturer or distributor by the removal of a major component, so as to encourage users to purchase the full version.

15. crudware. virtually useless software; a general term for most of the freeware circulated by hackers.

16. demo-ware. simplified version of a software product, missing one or more of the main features, intended to allow prospective purchasers a chance to "try out" the program before buying it. Also called liteware, crippleware.

17. donationware. 1) software given away ostensibly for free, but including a request from the designer for a freewill donation. Also called donateware. 2) charityware.

18. firmware. software embedded in a hardware device. Modems, for example, contain firmware, as do many modern cars, phones, television sets, etc.

19. freeware. software given away free. There are many types, including shareware. (Term was trademarked by author and programmer Andrew Fluegelman.)

20. fritterware. software with capabilities that serve no useful purpose, and that usually manage to get users to waste huge amounts of time using it with no noticeable gain.

21. guiltware. general term for any freeware that includes text giving a long sob story about how horrible the user is if s/he does not send the designer some money. Compare adware.

22. hardware. 1) general term for durable goods. 2) general term for building supplies and fixtures. 3) general term for computer machinery and parts; the opposite of software.

23. liteware. another term for demo-ware.

24. liveware. 1) human beings, specifically the ones using computers. 2) another term for wetware: the human brain.

25. mailware. a type of freeware for which the designer requests the user to mail him/her a letter. Compare cardware.

26. malware (Latin: mal = bad). any software that contains malicious programming, such as stealthware, or a computer virus. Also called slimewear.

27. meatware. another word for wetware: the human brain

28. nagware. 1) adware. 2) annoyware. 3) any software that opens with a popup asking you to purchase the software; you have to click through this screen to use the program.

29. oppressionware. software, hardware, or mechanisms in an operating system, used to oppress a co-user, such as restricting programs, capabilities, and features. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.)

30. orphanware. any software that has been discontinued and is no longer available for commercial purchase; either the original designers cannot be located or the company has gone out of business. Users of orphanware are thus unable to get help or support for the product. Also called abandonware.

31. payware. software that must be paid for. Most software is payware. The opposite is freeware or shareware.

32. postcardware. another name for cardware.

33. psychedelicware. software designed only for making pretty pictures, often in a kaleidoscope fashion. Also called a "display hack."

34. registerware. software that requires the user to register, usually for free, in order to use the software. Registration is usually via internet and usually includes personal information.

35. requestware. software in which the designers request users to do something voluntarily as "payment" for the software. Examples include charityware and postcardware.

36. rogue adware. a software product that claims to be an anti-adware fix, but is actually spyware.

37. rogue spyware. a software product that claims to be an anti-spyware fix, but is actually spyware. Some rogue spyware actually attacks your computer's other protections.

38. scumware. any software that intrudes upon the user, or the user's computer, by stealth, in order to further the aims of the software company.

39. scuttleware. general term for any software, including freeware or shareware, that has a time limit built in and self destructs or ceases to function after the time limit has been reached. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.) Also called trialware.

40. shareware. 1. any software that is given away free, but the user has to pay a fee to get support or to get all the features. 2. any free software for which the user is expected to pay a fee after they have decided to keep it; otherwise it will expire. Also called trialware. 3. any commercial software that can be downloaded from the internet; most also require payment via the company's website before the software can be used.

41. sisterware. software, usually freeware, in which the designer requests that you send him "photos or lingerie of your lovely sister!" (sic)

42. shelfware. 1. software that ends up on the shelf; that is, it is never used. 2. software that is developed but never released; it is "shelved" instead.

43. slimewear. another term for malware.

44. software. computer instructions; information directing the operation of a computer. Software packages are written in many different computer languages and are designed for doing many different tasks, from simple typing to designing magazine layouts, cataloging collections, paying bills, tracking sales, operating industrial robots, etc. (In the early days of computers, programming was built into the machine and could not be changed. If you wanted a computer to play chess, you built one to play chess. If you wanted one to do calculus, you built another one to do calculus. It was a breakthrough when software was invented, allowing one computer to be able to do more than one task.)

45. spamware. software used for sending out spam. (Spam is an internet term for unwanted advertisements, usually found in email form, that are sent all over the internet by unscrupulous persons. The term reportedly comes from a Monty Python sketch in which customers at an eatery are unable to order anything that doesn't have Spam in it.)

46. spyware. software that secretly installs files on the user's computer, or secretly collects data on the user, such as financial info or websurfing history, and secretly sends it to the manufacturer or a third party when the user connects to the internet. (This activity is called "covert monitoring.")

47. trialware. software that has a limit on time or number of uses, and will cease to run properly after the limit expires. Trialware often gives you the option to purchase it after it expires. Also called scuttleware. See also shareware.

48. vampireware. general term for any project capable of sucking the lifeblood out of anyone unfortunate enough to be assigned to it; a project which never actually sees the light of day but nonetheless refuses to die. Not necessarily related to computers. (Term found at Wiktionary as a "protologism" or coined word.)

49. vaporware. software that is announced as "coming soon" but is never released; that is, it "vaporizes." In many cases vaporware is not even developed; it is announced merely to generate interest in the company or some other product. Also spelled vapourware. See also brochureware.

50. wetware. humorous term for the human brain. Also called liveware, meatware.

---0---

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36 Funny Word Pairs Generated (Sort of Randomly) by BookWorm

. . . BookWorm is a computer game very similar to Boggle. You scan a grid of letters and find strings of letters that make words. You get points for each word. Rare letters are worth more than common letters, and long words are worth more than short words. At the end of each level, the game pauses and tells you the highest-scoring word and the longest word you got on that level. Sometimes these two words make a very silly pair. Here are a few pairs I've collected over the years.

1. Quahog Quaffing

2. Pie Sedation

3. Vole Pleater

4. Fugu Angler

5. Dinky Divots

6. Junk Barrage

7. Pun Teller

8. Run Sinner

9. Alien Didie

10. Hex Treatise

11. Horn Honkers

12. Doozer Patterns

13. Dinner Palate

14. Frat Banger

15. Green Vender

16. Vamp Queens

17. Jeep Scouring

18. Inky Hell

19. Perky Mistletoes

20. Quantile Undertaxing

21. Slug Breeder

22. Queued Spoons

23. Grim Reaper

24. Wars Vain

25. Vacuum Collies

26. Ion Filtering

27. Nacho Renaming

28. Riddler Henchman

29. Beano Battle

30. Jazzy Language

31. Bearded Preambles

32. Fluky Grammar

33. Fork Foundation

34. Feme Trucker

35. Chewy Leapers

36. Zen Dating

---0---

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24 Goldwynisms from UUs

. . . The word Goldwynism was coined in the early 20th century for a quotation that carries an internal contradiction. It was named for famed movie producer Samuel Goldwyn (1879-1974) who was notorious for making firm pronouncements that seemed clear but, technically speaking, simply made no sense, such as: "Include me out"; "I'll give you a definite maybe"; "We're overpaying him but he's worth it."

The following Goldwynisms, lovingly collected over many years, sprung from the mouths of confused Unitarians and Universalists all across the world.


1. "I cherish the greatest respect toward everybody's religious obligations, never mind how comical." Herman Melville

2. "Say NO to negativity." the Rev. John Corrado

3. "The Garden of Eden is boring as Hell." the Rev. Davidson Loehr

4. "He's universally loved by dozens." U. Utah Phillips, singer-songwriter

5. "If you're going to misuse a word, do it right." Jessie Munro, author, critic

6. "I know what pot smells like because I've read all about it." Jessie Munro

7. "It just isn't Christmas until we've sung the Hanukkah song." overheard during coffee hour at a UU church, reported by Elizabeth Norton, 2008

8. "I have approximately nothing to report." William Hatton, committee chair

9. "It's so hot my armpits are sticking to each other." college student Kathleen Jacobs-Johnson

10. "I like the Ann Arbor art fair better because they have a better variety of crap." art fair visitor Kathleen Jacobs-Johnson

11. "Compassionate conservativism? When I hear neocons using the word compassion I just want to slug them." liberal-minded Kathleen Jacobs-Johnson

12. "Turn off that noise—I can't hear a word edgewise!" disgruntled roommate Kathleen Jacobs-Johnson

13. "I've had an excellent vocabulary since before I could talk." Gwen Foss

14. "You're throwing money out the window when you leave the door open." Gwen Foss, trying to convice thoughtless roommates to close the door during winter

15. "There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't." overheard

16. "I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone." overheard

17. "You can go with me or we can go together; it's up to you." Henry Clerval, college professor

18. "Occasionally I decide to be impulsive." Vanity Decklestad, author, folklorist

19. "Can you keep your voices down so everyone can see?" Bonnie Schorer Clark, trying to run church auction, to unruly crowd

20. "No one can shut me up unless they tie my hands behind my back." Heather Hicks, religious education teacher

21. "Does the album have any songs you like that aren't on it?" Henry Newt, music critic

22. "He had the same condition I've got, only mine is much worse." overheard at a funeral

23. "The show's only a half hour long. You can't do Hitler justice in half an hour." Peter H. Foss, my dad, complaining about the length of a certain television documentary

24. "If you haven't seen it before, it's certainly worth seeing again." Millie Foss, my mom, trying to talk a friend into seeing one of her favorite movies

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Many of these quotes first appeared in The Confused Quote Book: 395 Slips, Misses and Errors Spoken by the High, the Mighty and other Celebrities, compiled by Gwen Foss, Avenel NJ: Gramercy Books/Random House Value Publishing, 1997, long out of print

Click here for my book of UU jokes, The Church Where People Laugh

And please visit TomFolio.com, a cooperatively-owned website of independent professional book and paper dealers, for all your used book needs.

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71 Ways to Be "Fired"

. . . A list I started on 17 May 1984, the first time I got fired from a job. I also list below five euphemisms for "unemployed," and 35 truly horrid euphemisms invented by large corporations when they decide to fire lots of people and want to make it sound like a great idea. (A nod to Annabelle Gurwitch, whose documentary Fired! inspired me to post these old lists.)

71 Euphemisms for "Fired"

1. ankled
2. arseholed (Australia)
3. asked not to come back
4. axed
5. benched
6. best-shored (your job was given to someone overseas)
7. blown off
8. booted
9. bounced
10. burned
11. canned
12. cashiered (military term: demoted or discharged and publicly humiliated)
13. code fived (Domino's Pizza: fired without possibility of rehire)
14. contracted out
15. curtailed
16. degraded (same as cashiered)
17. discharged
18. discontinued
19. dismissed
20. downsized
21. drummed out
22. dumped
23. fired
24. flexibility (the right of a company to fire anyone for any reason)
25. forcibly retired
26. forty-eight-and-a-halved (short-order restaurant slang)
27. f*cked over
28. furloughed
29. given leave to go
30. given the sack
31. given walking papers
32. given your cards
33. gone
34. got the arse (Australia)
35. got the axe
36. got the bullet (19th century term)
37. got the gate
38. history
39. kicked
40. kicked to the curb
41. let go
42. lost your job
43. made redundant (UK)
44. offboarded (laid off)
45. organized out
46. ousted
47. out on your ear
48. outsourced (your job was given to someone overseas)
49. outta here
50. permanently laid off
51. pink slipped
52. pipped (from PIP = profit improvement plan)
53. purged
54. redundant (UK)
55. released
56. reorganized
57. restructured (UK)
58. retired
59. riffed (from RIF = reduction in force)
60. rightsized
61. ripped (from RIPP = reduction in personnel plan)
62. ritually dismissed (same as cashiered)
63. rotated out
64. sacked (UK)
65. selected out
66. sidelined (laid off)
67. suspended (laid off)
68. terminated
69. told to clean out your desk
70. toast
71. unloaded

Five Euphemisms for "Unemployed"

1. at large
2. at liberty
3. between jobs
4. (person) of leisure
5. on furlough

35 Euphemisms for "Downsizing"

Downsizing itself is a euphemism for a mass firing, also called layoffs (another euphemism). When the term comes from a specific corporation, I have listed that as well.

1. aligning operations
2. brightsizing (firing the brightest employees)
3. business process re-engineering
4. buying out (employee) contracts
5. career alternative enhancement program (Chrysler)
6. career-change opportunity (Clifford of Vermont)
7. career-transition program (General Motors)
8. cleaning the staff
9. downsizing
10. drawdown (US military term for withdrawal of part of a force from an area)
11. elimination of employment security policy (Pacific Bell)
12. focused reduction (Tandem Computers)
13. force management program (AT&T)
14. global workforce alignment
15. head-count reduction
16. involuntary separation from payroll (Bell Labs)
17. involuntary severance (Digital Equipment Corp)
18. normal payroll adjustment (Wal*Mart)
19. offboarding
20. outsourcing (firing US workers and hiring cheap labor overseas)
21. profit improvement plan (PIP)
22. rebalancing the level of human capital
23. redeployment (US military term for troop movement)
24. reducing duplication (Tandem Computers)
25. reduction in force, or RIF (Newsweek)
26. reduction in personnel plan, or RIPP
27. reduction in staff
28. release of resources (Bank of America)
29. repositioning (Stanford University)
30. reorganizing
31. reshaping (National Semiconductor)
32. rightsizing
33. schedule adjustments (Stouffer Foods Corp)
34. smartsizing
35. strengthening global effectiveness (Proctor & Gamble)

---0---

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Find more fun lists by Book Doctor Gwen here

---0---

104 Ridiculous Condition Grades Invented by Amateur Booksellers

. . . There are standard terms for describing the condition of used books, dust jackets, and other paper ephemera, and then there are these. These are not standard terms. They are just some of the hundreds of ridiculous terms invented by hapless amateurs selling used books on amazon, ebay, and other giant websites. I have collected a countless assortment of these and selected just 104 of the worst. They are grouped below according to what I think they are supposed to mean. My comments are in [brackets].

Correct Term: As New

Incorrect Terms:

1. New++
[You simply cannot qualify "new" with plus signs.]

2. New - Unsold

3. New & Unread

4. Factory New
[Yes, books are manufactured, but we call the place a printer or a bindery, not a factory, thank you very much.]

5. Mint
[Books are not minted. Metal objects, like coins and toy cars, are minted.]

6. Pristine

7. Perfect

8. Can't be in better shape

9. Gift quality

10. Same-as-new

11. Excellent

12. Exceptional

13. Brand Spanking New
[Ooooh, baby!]

14. Flawless

15. Absolutely Georgous

---0---

Correct Term: Fine

Incorrect Terms:

16. Fine++

17. Fine+

18. Fine-
[If it's not Fine, don't say it's Fine. The minus mark is not helping.]

19. Near New

20. About Like New

21. Near As New

22. Near Like New

23. Virtually As New

24. Great-Close to New-Condition
[Please learn the difference between a dash and a hyphen.]

25. Never Used Almost New

26. Very Good Fine

---0---

Correct Term: Near Fine

Incorrect Terms:

27. Near Fine+++

28. Very Near Fine

29. Near Very Fine

30. Close to Fine

31. Almost Fine

32. About Fine

33. Just About Fine

34. Almost Near Fine

35. Nearly Fine

36. Slightly Better than Very Good

---0---

Correct Term: Very Good

Incorrect Terms:

37. Very Good Almost Like New

38. Over All Very Good++++ or Excellent Condition
[Don't even talk to me until you stop using more than one plus sign.]

39. Very Good+++
[See above.]

40. Near Very Good

41. Very good gently enjoyed

42. Very Good condition for being all paper and old

43. Certainly not bad

---0---

Correct Term: Good

Incorrect Terms:

44. Good Solid Copy

45. Good or Better Condition

46. Good+++
[What did I say about using too many plus signs?]

47. Good and Used

48. Perfectly usable

49. Much Better than Good

50. Pretty Good

51. About Good

---0---

Correct Term: Fair

Incorrect Terms:

52. Fair+
["Fair Plus" is Good. If it's not Good, grade it Fair.]

53. Fair-
["Fair Minus" is Poor. End of story.]

54. Fair Copy

55. Fairly Good

56. Old and beat up
[I kind of like this one. It's honest.]

57. Completely Readable

58. Reasonable Condition

59. Not in Bad Shape

60. Survived Well
[Wait a minute. Survived what, exactly?]

61. Very Acceptable

62. Acceptable+

63. Average+
[For Pete's sake, stop adding pluses to words that can't be qualified!]

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Correct Term: Reading Copy

Incorrect Terms:

64. Excellent reading copy
[Oxymoron.]

65. Near Fine reading copy

66. Very Good reading copy

67. Good Solid reading copy

68. Great reading copy

69. Research Copy

70. Reader copy

71. Very loved

72. Used - less than standard

73. Usable

74. An OK Copy

75. Child’s copy

76. Bathtub copy
[One of my favorites. Really gets the point across.]

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Correct Term: Poor

Incorrect Terms:

77. Poor+++
[How many pluses till it gets up to "Fair?"]

78. Poor++

79. Poor+

80. Very Poor

81. Very Poor-
[Hell's, bells, just throw it out.] [I mean recycle it.]

82. Near Poor

83. Extremely Poor

84. Not in the Best of Condition

85. Not That Good

86. Rough

87. Very rough

88. Incomplete

89. Marginal

---0---

Finally, a short list of amusing condition descriptions that make the book sound really great but don’t really indicate its actual condition:

90. Museum Quality

91. Display Quality

92. Hand Picked with Care

93. Never Been Read

94. Read Once Condition

95. Gently Used

96. Ultra Clean

97. Super Clean

98. Whistle Clean
[Seriously, you can say it's clean, but is it sunned, bumped, torn, water damaged, missing pages? Tell me something about the condition of the book!]

99. Clean Usable Book

100. Nice Book

101. Very Nice for its Age
[Unfortunately "for its age" is a very commonly used but completely incorrect qualifier. Old books don't get special dispensation for being old. Grade them the same way you would grade any other used book.]

102. Very Nice Clean Copy

103. Decent+
[A qualifier on "Decent?" ROFL!]

104. Very God
[Might be the cutest typo I've spotted yet.]

---0---

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END

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30 Essential New Words

. . . Terms from the used-book business, terms for stupid customers and bad drivers and other everyday annoyances. Those coined by me are marked bdg.


1. book climbing. scouting for books in a location where the amount of refuse, junk, rubble, discarded personal effects, furniture, etc, must be climbed over to get to the books. Book climbing is always risky but especially so in a place where the people in charge don't want to let you climb. bdg (Other bookdealers call this book crawling, digging, or excavation.)

2. cactet. a really bad band. (cacaphony + quartet.) bdg

3. citiot. urban idiot; a person of city origin who comes to the country on vacation and treats the place like his own personal garbage dump. (coined by Crosshair, a fellow online wordgame player, who said the term is about 25 years old.)

4. combateer. bad driver of any ridiculously large vehicle (SUV, pickup, van); such vehicles not only impart a false sense of security to the driver but they impede the visibility of all other drivers. Term based on the fact that Hummers, which are perhaps the most ridiculously large vehicle of all, were designed for use in combat zones. bdg (Click here to see more New Terms for Bad Drivers )

5. crebbit. opposite of debit. bdg

6. cussism. my uncle Fred's religion. bgd

7. custoner. stupid customer. (customer + stoner) bdg 2009

8. derogen. derogatory racial or ethnic term, such as abo, cracker, wetback. There seem to be a million of these terms yet no one has invented a simple word for them. (pronounced der-OGG-en) bdg 1982

9. dickularian. genteel-sounding epithet (or adjective) for a creep. bdg

10. elbow driver. a species of foffer (see below) who drives with one hand at the top of the wheel and the other hand doing something useless. So called because they often end up trying to steer with their elbow, and because they often have their other elbow hanging out the window where it can do no good. bdg 2008

11. emulationism. trade name or folk term for something that sounds precious but is only a cheap imitation, such as German silver (an alloy like pewter) or Alaska sable (skunk fur). bdg 2008. Click here to read my collection of emulationisms.

12. epeople. people who used the internet a lot.

13. fale (n. and adj.). both male and female.

14. flumlum. 1. nonsense. 2. doodad; thingamabob.

15. foff. 1. to do things while driving that you shouldn't do while driving. 2. to drive without proper hand placement on the steering wheel. bdg

16. foffer. 1. one who drives while trying to do something they shouldn't be doing while they drive, such as: using a cell phone; peeling an orange; putting on mascara. 2. one who drives without good hand placement on the steering wheel, such as: only one hand, at the bottom; only one hand, at the top; both hands at the top. bdg

17. foffle. to lose control of the vehicle because you were foffing. bdg

18. hexpo. witch convention.

19. igluet. 1. a small pile of snow. 2. a small statue made of snow. 3. a small igloo. bdg

20. jellot. a zealot who is really wishy washy. bdg 2007

21. moudness. mysterious quality a person has that scares other people away. bdg Jul 2008

22. munro. name invented and placed on a list or in a reference in order to use as test when trying to track down a copyright violator. bdg

23. plorf. the uncanny ability to see perfectly good words that aren't real words in word games. bdg

24. proctomorph. polite-seeming epithet for an asshole. bdg 1970s

25. roft. the last part of a cold / flu / the crud. One who is suffering in the last part of such a condition is rofting; they are a rofter. bdg 2008

26. sgwipe. carcass of a dead animal run over in the road. bdg 1978 (Note: I coined this word years before I ever heard the now common term "road kill," and besides, English needs a word that begins sgw--.)

27. thip. to set something in motion by curling a finger behind your thumb and then releasing the finger with great speed. (We had this word in my family since I was a small child; I don't know where it came from.)

28. thresto. general term for any object that tends to snag on everything. For example, a long coat can be a thresto ("that book must have been knocked over by a thresto") or eczema can cause threstos ("my finger has a thresto on it again"). The adjective is threstic. bdg 2008

29. ueai. the sinking feeling you get when playing a word game and there are way too many vowels to deal with. (pronounced OO-ee-aye) bdg July 2008

30. ultracrepidarian. a literate moron; one who has books on display in their house, just for looks, and never reads. (coined by Babble Rabble, a fellow online wordgame player, Jan 2009.)

---0---

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---0---

20 New Tongue Twisters

. . . I started collecting tongue twisters in the eighth grade when I was required to learn some for a speech class. This was 1978. Now I have hundreds and my friends and I keep inventing new ones. Here's just a few.


1. Answering machine message.

2. Broad-brimmed black hats.

3. City shellfish.

4. City snowshoes.

5. Fish hatchery.

6. Fish sauce shop.

7. Fresh French fries.

8. Garlic bark.

9. Gig-whip. (Try to say it 7 times.)

10. Horseradish sauce.

11. How long does a fruit fly live?

12. Memorized crash statistics.

13. More ruthless or less ruthless. (Try to say it twice.)

14. People's preferable pickles.

15. She sent a special message by special messenger.

16. Shiny soap suds sailed down the shallow sink.

17. Short Saudi soldiers.

18. Socialist ship.

19. Sockless Crocs. (Try to say it 5 times.)

20. Sweet and sour shrimp.

END

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16 Fun Tips for Spotting Spams, Scams, and Malicious Emails

. . . collected from actual spam. Real examples shown.

1. The email is from a major company or website, but, where your name should be, there is only a generic greeting.

Dear PayPal Customer;

Dear Bank of America Patron ,

ATTN: Sir /Madam

2. The email says you have won the lottery or some big cash award.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!

CLAIM YOUR AWARD!!!!!

INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY PROMOTION

NEW YEAR AWARD NOTIFICATION RESULT !!!

3. The message is from someone you have never heard of who has a huge pile of wealth and wants you to share it.

I am Mr.FRANK BELLE GEZI,The first son of Mr.JOHN MICHEAL GEZI, the director or the ANGOLAN diamond mine,and a wealthy business man who was recently murdered in the land mine dispute in ANGOLA which i have no doubt you may be aware if you listen to either BBC or CNN.

I know this will come to you as a surprise but never mind, I got your Contact in my search for a reputable and trust worthy person/Company,Who can stand confidently with me in this successful business Arrangement.

We are group of company and I am Mr. James Herrington an American one of the boards of director in this company in London and we also want you to take our reparable modality of this opportunity I will also send you my international driven lances or my international passport.

4. The subject line or message is complete gibberish; that is, it is not in English words or even Latin characters.

¡‚©‚ç–¾“ú‚Ì’©‚܂ňꏏ‚ɉ߂²‚µ‚Ä‚­‚ê‚Ü‚¹‚ñ‚©H

ŽÊ^‚ð‘—‚è‚Ü‚·‚Ì‚ÅŒ©‚Ä‚­‚¾‚³‚¢B

[6]: áîëüøîé âûáîð êðåñåë äëÿ ðóêîâîäèòåëÿ

$B4uK$N6b3[$rA43[@h$KEO$7$^$9$N$G2q$C$FD:$1$J$$$G$7$g$&$+!)(B

5. The message greets you as if you are a close, special friend even though you have never had any contact with the sender.

Dear Beloved,

6. The email is from someone in Nigeria and you don't know anyone in Nigeria. Note: Lagos is in Nigeria. Note: Surulere is in Nigeria.

7. The email name is an unpronounceable string of letters.

nqzbynzeg@bezeqint.net

efkqdwahd@blauer.com

smyzhb@mail.com

6. The email subject is about your loan application or mortgage or credit card or hot investment but you have not applied for a loan or inquired about investing.

Loan request approved

Loan for a low month payment

Aggressive Investors Alert

Payment Correspondences

URGENT BUSINESS PROPOSAL

7. The email subject just says Hi or Hello or Re: or Re:[2] or some other bracketed number.

8. The email subject sounds like a news headline but is not related to any news you are interested in.

Musicians play tribute to Don Henley

The hash function you're most likely to use routinely is SHA-1.

It's also kid-friendly, with a marionette museum.

9. The subject line says your gift card is ready or that you have won a gift card or valuable product.

PLEASE CONFIRM: Victoria Secret $500 Gift ID#33-FA212ZP

Second Attempt: Macy's Gift Card Inside

Dell Computer Giveaway - Absolutely No Charges

WINNER! Home Depot Gift Card ID#YY-234-1A

jetBlue Airways Ticket! - Confirmation #343-7331

Congratutlations on your JCPenney Gift Card Offer

Your CIRCUIT CITY Card valid Thru Feb 15th -- Act NOW! -- ID# CCJXB93ST

Second Attempt: WAL*MART (R) 500 Dollar Gift Card Inside

7. The subject line is a string of words that makes no sense.

mass production admonish

it vague

Don't read it.

it cyclist an mingle

his dissension be norwegian

8. The subject line says Re: followed by something you have never heard of before.

Re: RyixX

Re: dynamicvar divT

Re: recipient Postinis

10. The message has bizarre, incorrect English usage, punctuation, or syntax.

I am gonna be waiting your answer I hope that you can help me in this moment that I need it.

Hello Dear ,

Mrs.Jenny Brooks

Have a nice day, be bless.

I look forward to read back from you.

12. The link in the email doesn't match the subject of the email, or is not a legitimate business, or does not exist.

http://pizzasarhey.com/

http://www.autoroad2000.com/

13. The message promises to get you top placement on search engines.

Boost Your Website To The Top

Free Website Analysis and Ranking Report of Your Website!

14. The phrase "I will like to" appears anywhere in the message.

Before I proceed, I will like to introduce my humble self To you.

I will like to know if you ship to Australia and my method of payment will be credit card???

15. The message is from someone who claims to be doing God's work.

Mark from Guiding Light Ministries

ST. PETER CHRISTIAN BIBLE CHURCH

St.Andrew Mission,Portland Oreegon

pray4missingkids

He said to them, "But who do you say I am?" Simon Peter answered and said, "Your are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Matt 16:15, 16

I decided to WILL/donate the sum of $2,500,000 (two million five hundred thousand dollars) to you for the good work of the lord, and also to help the motherless and less privilege and also for the assistance of the widows.

16. The message contains a paragraph filled with complete nonsense that sounds like computer-generated "poetry."

should have a name that is derivative. For instance, the name given to It is not possible to know forthwith whose head or hand is meant. Thus it is in the case of those opposites only, which are opposite in the bald does not regain his hair; the man who has lost his teeth does not

Offtopic, found forum discuss topic duilsuamo. Gtedom giftltagt gteasyjet gteating rightltagt gtednita halfltagt. Longest disorder brandy brochure withit affect graphic! Half ceilingurl alana frillfree, inaudible. Niki scary skinner, acceptable nikita weighted, dial, enhance! Areola glorious whittaker leeward worth impediment. Reallity breath realy recess, recits valour. March digital signature back pdf? Two, conformity glaze blonde sado sudden maso.

The idea being that languages were perfect at Babel and degraded thereafter. " What sadist came up with the "sports" included in the game?The emphasis on the genetic component of human language is often misunderstood to mean that languages are inherited within the brain.My best wishes for Caleb. Obsessed with design?" and accusing him of "wiggling around" hisorder.How we treat them after that is when we engineer them.

END

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---0---

40 Snotty Names for Annoying Customers in Used Bookstores

. . . and a few other terms thrown in for fun. Some of these terms have been around for years and are of uncertain origin, some came from other dealers, and some I invented just to vent. (Mine are marked bdg). Many thanks to bookdealer Joyce Godsey and others who contributed their terms. All characters are fictitious and no similarity to real people should be assumed.


1. Agent 99. person who comes into the shop and receives cell phone calls with louder-than-hell ringtones and who proceeds to gab on in loud tones as if we all want to hear their inane conversation. I then take off my shoe and blather into it to amuse myself until they make like a tree and leaf. (Term is based on a character codename on the old spy sitcom "Get Smart," where the shoe-phone was a running gag.) coined by Rachel at Old Saratoga Books dot com.

2. anti-handling-buyer. buyer, usually encountered on eBay, who thinks that sellers should only charge the actual cost of shipping, regardless of seller's handling costs. They like to justify it by saying, "Well, other eBay sellers ship books for $xyz." coined by anonymous dealer.

3. baron / baroness. a customer who requires extensive waiting on and the answering of multiple questions asked in imperial fashion. Stops short of asking for a complimentary ass-wipe in the restroom. No resultant sales, of course. coined by Rachel at Old Saratoga Books.

4. bone-to-pick twit. someone who emails you because she/he has beef with the author or the book's contents. Example: "How can you be selling a book on xyz?!" coined by anonymous dealer.

5. cheapskate. someone who asks something like, "Why the hell are you asking over $200 for a used book?!?" because they are completely ignorant of the book's scarcity, value, condition, or other important factors. coined by anonymous dealer.

6. crazy glue. a borderline insane customer who "sticks to you like glue." Term from my tech guy R.F. Johnson who has often encountered such types. Compare Mr. Sincere.

7. credit card neurosis. condition of customer who is afraid to give you cc info over the net; usually they telephone instead. There are many different manifestations of this condition. bdg

8. customs scammer. overseas customer who asks you to mark the item as a "gift" so they won't have to pay fees or import duties on it. (Falsifying a customs form is against the law.) bdg

9. demming. sending an email reminder to a customer who keeps promising to send a check but never does. See also spaz. (Term comes from the fake surname of a notorious scammer in Brooklyn who used numerous false names and pretended to be buying books for a hospice, nursing home, or charity, who always promised to send a check or money order immediately, but never did. Sometimes a dealer would believe her and send the books before the payment arrived.) bdg

10. ditz. customer who uses the query button and thinks they have completed an order for the book.

11. doofus. customer who emails to ask a question about a specific book, and in doing so, copies your description in their email, and right there in the description is the answer to their question. Example: "You mention a few inconsequential dings to covers, how bad are they?" (They're inconsequential, doofus!)

12. dung beetle. someone who only looks at the crappiest, cheapest books on the bargain table and spends their dollar (paid in small coins, of course). Then they roll the crap out of the store to their lair. Dung beetles almost exclusively come from the upper income insect species. coined by Rachel at Old Saratoga Books.

13. entitled buyer. someone, usually found on eBay, who emails about shipping/handling before committing to buy because for some reason they think they're entitled to a discount or a break on s/h fees. coined by anonymous dealer.

14. eyeball killer. another name for a screamer: someone who types everything in ALL CAPS. (Can't remember where I heard this term but it has been around awhile.)

15. flake. customer who inquires about priority mail but delays payment for several days, thus negating any time saved by ordering priority mail.

16. fly-by. customer who emails to ask a question about a book in your inventory but after you reply you never hear from them again. coined by bookdealer Lee Kirk. Another term for this type of customer, which I heard from a guy in the furniture business, is a be-back, because they say they'll be back but they never come back.

17. fraudite. a species of scammer, mostly seen on eBay, who claims to have some ridiculously valuable or impossible treasure for sale, such as a copy of Huckleberry Finn printed in 1978 and signed by Mark Twain. bdg

18. gomer. a scammer who purposefully gives you the wrong country name in his address, hoping you won't notice. For example, Beijing, Greece (Beijing is in China), or Surulere, Finland (Surulere is in Nigeria). Term comes from medical slang for an especially difficult elderly patient with mental problems, filthy habits, and an inability to communicate.

19. gusher. customer who announces on entering the bookstore that she just loves, loves, loves books, and on, on, and on, but does not purchase anything. Also called a sh*tkicker. coined by anonymous dealer.

20. halfwit. epithet for Half.com and the people who sell there. A longstanding slur.

21. homeward. descriptive of customer, item, and transaction, when the item is purchased by someone who is the author's son, the publisher's daughter, the illustrator's grand-niece, or any similar relationship. So called because the item is "going home." (This is a sweet term, not an insult; bookdealers are usually pretty cheerful when they get a homeward order.) bdg

22. ignoramiana. general term for books pushing ignorant ideas such as crop circles, pyramid power, or UFOs. coined by bookdealer Gary L. Wallin.

23. jerk. customer who orders Media Mail then complains about the long delivery time. There are many names for this species, most of them far more colorful. See also wheresmybook.

24. lowball scammer. customer who sees your eBay auction for an item worth, for example, $200, and offers you $80 for it if you'll end the auction right now. (This is against eBay rules.) Lowball scammers are sometimes also snipers. bdg

25. merrick. customer who writes glowing feedback about you but then rates you less than 5 out of 5. (Refers only to Amazon customers: the Amazon feedback system has both a number function and a comment line.) Named after a customer who did just what the definition says. bdg

26. Mr. Sincere. an individual who comes into your store too often, makes a point of taking your hand and acting like you were his bestest friend, all the while the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. Of course he never actually buys anything. coined by bookdealer Joyce Godsey. Compare crazy glue.

27. mushpup. someone with a bratty toddler in tow who abandons them in the kid's section of your store, where they promptly tornado through the shelves while the adult goes off into the ether. Usually also spends nothing or less than $1. coined by Rachel at Old Saratoga Books.

28. paypal scammer. customer who insists on paying via PayPal, even though you don't list that as an option, but you agree to it and ship the book, then the customer puts in a non-delivery claim with PayPal two weeks later. (PayPal routinely honors these customer claims even when the dealer provides proof of delivery.) See also naidoo. bdg

29. naidoo. customer who pays directly with a credit card but, like a paypal scammer, disputes the charge soon after. In nearly every case, a credit card company will reimburse the customer and debit the merchant, so the naidoo walks away with a free book. (Pronounced NY-doo. Named for someone who pulled this trick on innocent bookdealers.) bdg

30. pub-twit. customer who thinks you have a warehouse full of identical new copies of the book they want. So named because these twits address you as if they think you're the actual publisher. bdg

31. scanner scammer. customer who pretends to be a prospective buyer, asks you for a scan of your book, then uses the image to try to sell your book on eBay. (Thankfully eBay boots fraudsters who are caught pulling this kind of theft.) bdg

32. screamer. customer who types everything in ALL CAPS. This is considered to be screaming and is an internet no-no. Also called an eyeball killer.

33. sharecropper. term used pointedly by one bookdealer to describe himself and other bookdealers who sell through the large portals, on the grounds that, as their vendors, we store all their inventory and pay them to do so.

34. sh*tkicker. a person who comes into your shop and admires the shop profusely and thanks you for "being here" and then does not spend a dime on anything. Also called a gusher. coined by Rachel at Old Saratoga Books.

35. sniffer. one who is overly concerned about a book's smell before they buy it. coined by bookdealer Joyce Godsey.

36. sniper. customer who wants your eBay auction but bids nothing until the last 10 seconds of the auction, then bids just one $1 (or one bidding increment) above the current bid. This is an old term. Sniping is within eBay rules but is seen by many eBayers as extremely unfair behavior.

37. spaz. customer who promises to send a check, and continues to promise to do so after every polite reminder you email, but you never actually get the check. See demming.

38. sobber. type of scammer who claims to be dirt poor and can only pay, for example, $10 for your $70 book. bdg

39. swag method. a pricing method used when a bookdealer can find no history or other helpful information on the item in hand. An old term based on the acronym "scientific wild-assed guess."

40. wheresmybook. customer who orders the economy shipping service (Media Mail in the US) and two days later begins demanding to know where their item is. Term can refer to both query and customer and should be pronounced as shown, as if it is all one word. bdg

Visit my bookstore http://www.gwenfoss.com/

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END